Thursday, November 22, 2018: Day 7

3:00am is the Worst!

Well, here we are again: The anxiety, the anger, the sadness, the suffering. Pretty much every morning at this time my brain decides to go on a "crazy bender". This time it was real estate related -- specifically, the remnants of my real estate career. Maybe more on that later...

So, what happens? 3:00am ish comes around and I wake up in an absolute panic. That being said, I have noticed the sense of panic is diminishing over past weeks. I hope that's a sign that my subconscious is sorting things out and healing. God, I really hope so... I guess I have to say that this time I used mindfulness techniques to get me out of my panic state. I told myself that this is something I'm going through, that I'm only experiencing thoughts and that I need to acknowledge that I'm feeling the sensations of panic. I then came downstairs and starting writing this post. Forty some-odd minutes later and I'm feeling okay. Not 100%, but better. 

I guess, without thinking, I used the S.T.O.P. technique to bring myself down. That included:

• Stopping. I stopped everything: physically, mentally. Grounded myself to where I am. Became aware of the sensations around me
• Taking a step back. I basically said to myself "Whoa! What the fuck!?!?" My brain went on a bender again. I'm not in any danger. I can get through this. 
• Observe all of the sensations. First, I was feeling panic. That felt like a rushing mind, pressure in my head, the feeling of elevated breathing and heart rate. Once I acknowledged the feelings, the feelings and sensations started to decrease. As I write this, they're not totally gone, but I do have the wherewithal to write this post.
• Proceed Mindfully. I am accepting that I feel this way and letting myself experience the sensations. I'm not giving them power over me, but acknowledging that my subconscious is working some shit out. It manifests itself  through dreams, emotions and feelings. Although what I feel is real, I'm only experiencing thoughts. I can proceed and move forward. 

There, writing that feels better. 

So, you curious where my brain went? As I mentioned, this time around it was the remnants of my real estate career. My real estate career has definitely followed the pattern of the local market; tanking. Eighteen months ago things were okay. But six months later, signs of tanking were becoming brutally evident and I made some decisions that didn't quite meet my expectations. I'm now considering walking away for a while, whilst I heal and the market becomes viable again. I suppose it was fun while it lasted.

I can't think about my real estate career without including my ex-business partner. Let's call her Kate. Kate and I got started several years back when we were basically matched up. Our relationship was tumultuous at best. It never should have been. I really don't want to spend the rest of my night thinking and writing about Kate, but, now that things are all said and done, I'm still left with wondering why she blatantly lied to me about being friends, even colleagues? Kate, your actions spoke louder than your words. I was an idiot for not recognizing it. Even months later she reached out to me asking for some resources. I blindly handed them over. Why? Because I thought we were friends. I was so, so stupid. 

How do I feel now? I'm tying not to care. I want to not care how she's doing, if she's doing well or not. I can't afford to give her any brain space. We spent something like four years working together. I spent more time and have more pictures of Kate in my phone than I do of my wife. What the fuck!?!? Right!?!? From what I gather she went from riding my coattails to riding another person's coattails... The irony is the person Kate is now "working" with is the same person she/we regularly talked down, even ridiculed behind closed doors on a fairly regular basis. I'm left wondering if Kate is a manipulative user? I gave her a lot. Now that we're done she's moved on to the next. Huh! Good luck with that. 

Anyways... Sorry for missing yesterday. Getting used to the new jobs and new routine is extremely tiresome. But, the jobs seem to be going well and my first payday in months is coming up here. It feels pretty good. 

Thanks again for reading. 

 Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)

Tuesday, November 20, 2018: Day 5

It doesn't look like many people are reading my blog. So, thank you to the few of you who do. I have no idea how to get it out there, but knowing that my writings are out there feels good. 

This morning was rough, but thankfully not for the usual reasons. Yesterday's eleven hour work day caught up to me and I'm both physically and mentally drained. I have another shift like this on Black Friday, but then I think I might want to change my availability to my employer and only work single-digit hour shifts. 

Anyways, this morning I was back at the hospital to meet with a counsellor. In an unexpected convergence of events I now have access to some great mental health resources. Let me explain: I'm a patient of the neurology clinic for a life long neuromuscular condition. Well, as it turns out, there's an entire mental health team attached to this clinic... Something I was never informed about. Well, as I'm already a long standing patient, I don't have to wait months and months or pay thousands and thousands of dollars for treatment -- I get in now! So grateful! 

So, this morning I met with my new counsellor. I like him and he really seems to "get it" and care. Much better than the nine weeks of hell I just endured. Anyways, I'm going to cut this post off as I learn more about things to come. 

Thanks for reading. 

 Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)

Monday, November 19, 2018: Day 4

Technically a day late, but for good reason! As part of my recovery I've found myself a couple of jobs! Yay! Well, it being so close to Black Friday, one of my jobs, selling camera stuff, has ramped up my hours. I worked from 10:00am right through until 9:00pm. It was a long day, but I made it through.

The main reason I wanted a job was to keep my mind occupied; mission accomplished. I'm finding that having projects keeps my mind in the present. I'm also trying to remain mindful in the jobs. I stay mindful that who I work for is not my company so I don't have to worry about, well, most things. Simply show up, do a good job, and go home. Pretty straight forward, right? For me its not as easy as it sounds. But staying mindful, keeping in the moment and remembering a grateful mind is all part of my mission to recover. Admittedly, I feel like I've eaten some humble pie in getting these jobs, but I'm also proud of the fact that I went out, found the jobs, and are able to perform the job when I'm there. Mindfulness meditation is also a part of my routine at work. During at least one of my breaks, I find a quiet corner, put on my headphones and listen to the "Calm" app. I think its helping. I guess time will tell.

Another thing that comes to mind is the national shortage of Wellbutrin XL. Also called bupropion, it is believed to work by affecting the balance of noradrenaline and dopamine, chemicals that occur naturally in the brain and affect mood. This shortage is particularly concerning as one cannot go "cold turkey" from this drug as that can cause psychosis, and another trip to the Emergency Department. No thanks! The only thing I can do now is keep on top of this issue with my pharmacist and work with my doctor to come up with a plan should the shortage persist.

It struck me that this drug shortage made national news... How depressed are Canadians!? Apparently a lot! It's nice to know I'm not alone, but jeez!

I think that's all I have for now.

Thanks for reading.

Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)

Sunday, November 18, 2018: Day 3

Mornings are tough... I'm pretty sure I mentioned that before. This morning is no exception. Except I'm choosing to write instead of ruminate. That being said, even the last few sentences were hard to compose. I'm trying to put thoughts into words. Usually easier. Today, not so much.

Do you ever get the sense that you're haunted by your past? I do. The thing is, to an outside observer, my past is pretty good. It's the present that struggles to live up to the past. In my past I did some pretty cool things. But I often question if it wasn't all for nothing and did more harm than good? My psychiatrist always pushed me to be specific and actually say what I mean instead of circling around the topic... So, here it goes. 

As a teenager I was in cadets and was also heavily involved in music performance; the two often intersected. In cadets I was a bit of a star; literally centre stage in some of the largest concert halls in the country. The same held true for my other music pursuits. But it was the cadet program that really did a number on me and, in retrospect, fucked me right up. It falsely inflated my ego to ridiculous levels, indoctrinated (brain washed) me that a top-down management style (i.e. chain of command) was the only way to work in a team and gave me a very singular view of the world. Cadets played a more important role in my life than anything, especially school. Oh, I got through high school and even got good enough grades to get into university. But, and I didn't know it at the time, I was pretty setup for struggle and failure that would take near a decade to recover from -- and I might even argue I'm still effected by that upbringing today. 

During the university application process I was heavily influenced by my parents and the cadet system. So much so that I only applied to their alma mater: at the time a second, or even a third tier university music program in Winnipeg studying music and education. Unsurprisingly, I was accepted. Unfortunately, this was my first big life mistake. From the time I auditioned in spring to starting in fall, the studio teacher I auditioned for packed up and left town. (Keep in mind, studio teachers are one of the main reasons a music student would choose a school.) I was left with a hack of a musician, chain smoker and total ass hat... His name is Rob. Rob was abusive and I put up with him for most of my four year program... Until I finally fired him, only to be replaced by another hack to finish off my program. In those years I went from hero to zero. I graduated university a worse musician than I had started. I also earned an education degree which at least made me somewhat employable. (More on that later.) I was so done with the program I didn't even show up to walk-the-stage. My degrees were mailed to me back in Calgary.  

So, did these long term events do more harm than good? The fact that I'm writing about them sure seems to point in that direction. My struggle is to let go. For decades I've wanted to let go. Now at 40, I hope that I can finally learn the tools to let go and not breakdown in the morning thinking about this (and other things that I might share later). Do I write Rob and let him know what he did? I'm thinking about it... That is if he's even still alive. I have no idea? He was, after all, a pretty heavy smoker. All in my head, or not, what was seemingly a positive upbringing is now one of my demons. I want to let go and hope I can do so. I guess I'll keep you updated.

It took me just over an hour to finish this post. I didn't freakout or go into a tailspin. So, at least for today, mission accomplished! Small win. Quietly celebrating. Feels nice.

Thanks for reading.

Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)

Saturday, November 17, 2018: Day 2

The stigma of mental illness is real. I'm certainly feeling anxiety about talking about it. (Ironic, right!?) Here's the thing... I like writing. It's probably the best way for me to communicate. But, I'm not ready to reveal my full name. I still have a real worry that should a future, or even present employer search my name, this blog will come up. I'm legitimately scared that the mental illness I hide from public eyes could be seen and I will be judged; harshly.

Wait... WHAT!?!?

Step back, Adam. Are you being compassionate with yourself right now? Nope! Now, without judgment, let's see how I can reexamine my words in a more compassionate way that doesn't beat myself up. (At the hospital they call this "catch it, check it change it). Okay, let's give it a try:

I acknowledge that I feel scared about talking about my struggle with my mental illness. It's okay to be scared, but know that its only a feeling. There's is no evidence to show I'd be judged. In fact, based on interactions I've had with people in person and online, everyone is being very supportive. Adam, remember I'm writing this blog to be read. I'm not only writing it for myself, but so that someone else may find their own courage to get help. Writing this blog feels good. It also feels helpful.

See? Isn't that better? Self compassion is so very hard. Take it a moment at a time and be mindful.

There's a lot I want to talk about in this blog: My therapy, my relationships, my new job, to name only a few. But today I wand to talk about my mornings. For some reason mornings are extremely tough for me. From just before I wake up (that moment when you start to become aware), my mind is moving a million-miles-a-minute... Screaming! This can go on for a couple of hours, or even the entire day. On the distress-o-meter (more about that later), I'd give it a 7 to 9 out of 10.

I have favourited two activities to get me back "down to Earth": Mindfulness meditation and a technique called T.I.P.P. Today I want to talk about mindfulness meditation.

Mindfulness meditation is "a mental training practice that involves focusing your mind on your experiences (like your own emotions, thoughts, and sensations) in the present moment. “It is simply the act of paying attention to whatever you are experiencing, as you experience it,” explains Kate Hanley, author of "A Year of Daily Calm." “By choosing to turn your attention away from the everyday chatter of the mind and on to what your body is doing, you give the mind just enough to focus so that it can quiet down.”

Mindfulness meditation can involve breathing practice, mental imagery, awareness of body and mind, and muscle and body relaxation." [Via: verywellmind.com]

How do I practice? I like app's. The two I've found most helpful are "Calm" and "10% Happier".

According to "Calm": "Calm" is the #1 app for meditation and mindfulness. Enjoy 100+ guided meditations to help you manage anxiety, lower stress and sleep better. Calm is the perfect mindfulness app for beginners, but also includes hundreds of programs for intermediate and advanced users. "Calm" is $59.99 USD per year.

According to "10% Happier": "10% Happier" is clear, simple approach to meditation with a NY Times bestselling author and some of the most respected (and cool) meditation teachers on the planet. Designed for skeptics, built to help you keep it going. "10% Happier" is $96.00 USD per year.

This morning I was probably at a 7 out of 10. Meditation (and writing this blog) really helped me stay here on Planet Earth. Darn! I just looked up and realized I've gone on a bit, so I'll end it for today.

Thanks for reading.

Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)

Friday, November 16, 2018: Day 1

Wow! I can't believe I'm actually doing this! I'm committing to a blog... This is super scary for me because of recent events. Let me share a bit about that: On Friday, September 14, 2018 I unknowingly changed my life. It was really the intersection of my life, career and wellbeing crashing and exploding into pieces. In a desperate attempt to stop the very physical and psychological pain I attempted to take my own life. I'm not ready to get into the details about that day and the specific events that lead up to it, but my attempt set off a series of events that had me in hospital; a week in a locked ward and eight weeks in an outpatient program. It was the worst few months of my life.

Well, it all ended yesterday. Funny enough, with no fanfare or even sentiment, it just ended. "Good luck, Adam!" I don't yet want to reflect on my time in the hospital, but there were a few things I learned: Mental illness is brutally real and it's no fucking joke! It hurts all over and I really could not function. And, mark my words, going through the actions of functioning is not actually functioning.

But, I also learned a lot about myself and where I was at. As it turns out, I completely lack a sense of self compassion. I am brutally hard on myself! This is my struggle and the basis of my suffering. Although seemingly hopeless, there is actually hope! I have become a true believer, and practicer of mindfulness meditation and I will be exploring more about dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), with professional help, in the days and weeks to come. So, this brings me to "Day 1".

Today is Day 1. It's a new day. I have things to do (including a new job). I am working hard to accept the love and kindness of my family and friends. There will be good days. There will be challenging days. But writing about this and sharing about my illness is all part of getting back to happiness... or at least contentment.

The stigma of mental illness is still very real for me. In writing about this I still feel the embarrassment of being weak... Oh, wait... See what I did there? No self compassion. I'm not going to delete that statement. It's there to remind me to be kind to myself, focus on the here and now, and be kind to myself. 

Thanks for reading.

Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)