111 Days and Counting...

Well, that's kinda a funny... 111 days since this misadventure all started. On the bright side I think I'm on the mend -- at least that's what my family and therapist say. I still have my fair share of bad days and good days. My guess is 60/40, but I'm not sure for which side is in favour -- that depends on the day. Today is an okay day; the demons are sleeping. I made it to my therapist appointment, visited my folks, and made it to work Oh, and I haven't felt the need to curl up into a pathetic balling human. I suppose that checks all the boxes for a win today. I have to remember to celebrate all the small wins, so, I'm acknowledging and feeling gratitude for how my day turned out. There was one little blip: an awful dizzy spell that made me feel like I was drugged (more on that in a sec). I also have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I'll be able to bring that up. Another small win?

The med' I'm taking is Wellbutrin (Bupropion). Overall, I think its doing its thing and the side effects are tolerable, yet a bit confusing. Common side effects, and my experience with them include:

• Constipation - Not really. But I typically eat well
• Dizziness - Yep... Especially after ingesting caffeine (Fuck! I miss coffee so much!!!)
• Drowsiness - Not so much.
• Nervousness - Oh, yeah... This would explain a few things
• Dry mouth - I drink a lot of water. I find that I've been drinking a bit more, which I'm sure is helping with any constipation 
• Changes in the way food tastes - TOTALLY!!! I've lost the taste of most foods. I can't stand sweet and I prefer bland foods... Which is way different to the way it used to be. Even my staple, pho, is less desirable nowadays
• Headache - Mmm... I don't really think so. I do have a constant pressure thing going on though
• Increased sweating - Come to think of it, yes...
• Tremor - I feel unstable a lot, I think I'm shaking, but when I hold my hand out, it's not really shaking any more than usual
• Nausea - I had at the beginning, but I'm also finishing a round of ulcer med's, so my stomach has been not really running for the past 111 days
• Vomiting - Luckily, nope.
• Anxiety - Well, shit! Definitely. I take Ativan for the really bad days, but I mostly use the Calm App and mindfulness meditation to calm the fuck down. It really does help and I'm getting pretty good at the meditation thing
• Restlessness - I equated this to the anxiety, but if its another thing, then yeah, I gots it...
• Insomnia - Luckily, no.
• Weight loss - Oh yeah! Very noticeable weight loss. All my family and friends have noticed. I've had to buy new pants that are two sizes smaller. A year ago I was in the 190's lbs, today I'm in the 160's lbs
• Joint aches - I'd say so, especially in the mornings
• Appetite loss - I'm pretty sure that's how the weight loss happened...
• Flushing - I don't even know what flushing is... Sounds gross.
• Gas - Umm... No more than usual.
• Urinating more than usual - Hmm... Refer to dry mouth
• Ringing in your ears - Nothing out of the ordinary
• Abdominal pain - I'd say once in a while...
• Weakness - Definitely. But I think I could make this another post... 

Of course, my personal goal is to wean off this medication as soon as I'm ready... The thing is, how will I know? How will my doctors know? That's pretty perplexing... 

Thanks for reading again. I'm still hopeful that I can keep this writing up. It certainly helps, even if nobody is reading it.

Thursday, November 22, 2018: Day 7

3:00am is the Worst!

Well, here we are again: The anxiety, the anger, the sadness, the suffering. Pretty much every morning at this time my brain decides to go on a "crazy bender". This time it was real estate related -- specifically, the remnants of my real estate career. Maybe more on that later...

So, what happens? 3:00am ish comes around and I wake up in an absolute panic. That being said, I have noticed the sense of panic is diminishing over past weeks. I hope that's a sign that my subconscious is sorting things out and healing. God, I really hope so... I guess I have to say that this time I used mindfulness techniques to get me out of my panic state. I told myself that this is something I'm going through, that I'm only experiencing thoughts and that I need to acknowledge that I'm feeling the sensations of panic. I then came downstairs and starting writing this post. Forty some-odd minutes later and I'm feeling okay. Not 100%, but better. 

I guess, without thinking, I used the S.T.O.P. technique to bring myself down. That included:

• Stopping. I stopped everything: physically, mentally. Grounded myself to where I am. Became aware of the sensations around me
• Taking a step back. I basically said to myself "Whoa! What the fuck!?!?" My brain went on a bender again. I'm not in any danger. I can get through this. 
• Observe all of the sensations. First, I was feeling panic. That felt like a rushing mind, pressure in my head, the feeling of elevated breathing and heart rate. Once I acknowledged the feelings, the feelings and sensations started to decrease. As I write this, they're not totally gone, but I do have the wherewithal to write this post.
• Proceed Mindfully. I am accepting that I feel this way and letting myself experience the sensations. I'm not giving them power over me, but acknowledging that my subconscious is working some shit out. It manifests itself  through dreams, emotions and feelings. Although what I feel is real, I'm only experiencing thoughts. I can proceed and move forward. 

There, writing that feels better. 

So, you curious where my brain went? As I mentioned, this time around it was the remnants of my real estate career. My real estate career has definitely followed the pattern of the local market; tanking. Eighteen months ago things were okay. But six months later, signs of tanking were becoming brutally evident and I made some decisions that didn't quite meet my expectations. I'm now considering walking away for a while, whilst I heal and the market becomes viable again. I suppose it was fun while it lasted.

I can't think about my real estate career without including my ex-business partner. Let's call her Kate. Kate and I got started several years back when we were basically matched up. Our relationship was tumultuous at best. It never should have been. I really don't want to spend the rest of my night thinking and writing about Kate, but, now that things are all said and done, I'm still left with wondering why she blatantly lied to me about being friends, even colleagues? Kate, your actions spoke louder than your words. I was an idiot for not recognizing it. Even months later she reached out to me asking for some resources. I blindly handed them over. Why? Because I thought we were friends. I was so, so stupid. 

How do I feel now? I'm tying not to care. I want to not care how she's doing, if she's doing well or not. I can't afford to give her any brain space. We spent something like four years working together. I spent more time and have more pictures of Kate in my phone than I do of my wife. What the fuck!?!? Right!?!? From what I gather she went from riding my coattails to riding another person's coattails... The irony is the person Kate is now "working" with is the same person she/we regularly talked down, even ridiculed behind closed doors on a fairly regular basis. I'm left wondering if Kate is a manipulative user? I gave her a lot. Now that we're done she's moved on to the next. Huh! Good luck with that. 

Anyways... Sorry for missing yesterday. Getting used to the new jobs and new routine is extremely tiresome. But, the jobs seem to be going well and my first payday in months is coming up here. It feels pretty good. 

Thanks again for reading. 

 Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)