111 Days and Counting...

Well, that's kinda a funny... 111 days since this misadventure all started. On the bright side I think I'm on the mend -- at least that's what my family and therapist say. I still have my fair share of bad days and good days. My guess is 60/40, but I'm not sure for which side is in favour -- that depends on the day. Today is an okay day; the demons are sleeping. I made it to my therapist appointment, visited my folks, and made it to work Oh, and I haven't felt the need to curl up into a pathetic balling human. I suppose that checks all the boxes for a win today. I have to remember to celebrate all the small wins, so, I'm acknowledging and feeling gratitude for how my day turned out. There was one little blip: an awful dizzy spell that made me feel like I was drugged (more on that in a sec). I also have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I'll be able to bring that up. Another small win?

The med' I'm taking is Wellbutrin (Bupropion). Overall, I think its doing its thing and the side effects are tolerable, yet a bit confusing. Common side effects, and my experience with them include:

• Constipation - Not really. But I typically eat well
• Dizziness - Yep... Especially after ingesting caffeine (Fuck! I miss coffee so much!!!)
• Drowsiness - Not so much.
• Nervousness - Oh, yeah... This would explain a few things
• Dry mouth - I drink a lot of water. I find that I've been drinking a bit more, which I'm sure is helping with any constipation 
• Changes in the way food tastes - TOTALLY!!! I've lost the taste of most foods. I can't stand sweet and I prefer bland foods... Which is way different to the way it used to be. Even my staple, pho, is less desirable nowadays
• Headache - Mmm... I don't really think so. I do have a constant pressure thing going on though
• Increased sweating - Come to think of it, yes...
• Tremor - I feel unstable a lot, I think I'm shaking, but when I hold my hand out, it's not really shaking any more than usual
• Nausea - I had at the beginning, but I'm also finishing a round of ulcer med's, so my stomach has been not really running for the past 111 days
• Vomiting - Luckily, nope.
• Anxiety - Well, shit! Definitely. I take Ativan for the really bad days, but I mostly use the Calm App and mindfulness meditation to calm the fuck down. It really does help and I'm getting pretty good at the meditation thing
• Restlessness - I equated this to the anxiety, but if its another thing, then yeah, I gots it...
• Insomnia - Luckily, no.
• Weight loss - Oh yeah! Very noticeable weight loss. All my family and friends have noticed. I've had to buy new pants that are two sizes smaller. A year ago I was in the 190's lbs, today I'm in the 160's lbs
• Joint aches - I'd say so, especially in the mornings
• Appetite loss - I'm pretty sure that's how the weight loss happened...
• Flushing - I don't even know what flushing is... Sounds gross.
• Gas - Umm... No more than usual.
• Urinating more than usual - Hmm... Refer to dry mouth
• Ringing in your ears - Nothing out of the ordinary
• Abdominal pain - I'd say once in a while...
• Weakness - Definitely. But I think I could make this another post... 

Of course, my personal goal is to wean off this medication as soon as I'm ready... The thing is, how will I know? How will my doctors know? That's pretty perplexing... 

Thanks for reading again. I'm still hopeful that I can keep this writing up. It certainly helps, even if nobody is reading it.

I guess I suck at blogging...

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know I had all these big plans to blog and write about my journey. So, what happened? Well, I got a job. Not the world's most awesome job, but a job nonetheless. As we enter into 2019 I am full of hope. Don't get me wrong, the "demons" still show up, but I'm learning that they're visit is short term and I'm able to continue on with my day. Yet, as I write that description, I feel like I'm minimizing what actually happens when the demons do show up... It floors me. It both physically and mentally. It starts with uncontrollable crying, but with a bit of time I'm able to get my whits about me and calm down. I have to say that a major help has been my loving wife. Without her, I truly believe that the demons would eventually win... Not a pleasant thought at all!

So, here we are in 2019. I royally fucked up 2018 and need to get my shit together for this year. I hope I'm off to a good start with rebuilding my health, rebuilding my marriage, working a regular job and generally trying to take care of myself. I'm also starting the year off keeping this quote in mind:

Paraphrasing Tamara Levitt at Calm: Resolve not what to do in 2019, rather, who you'd like to be and the person you'd like to become. Expand your vision of what's possible and trust that you have the strength and courage to become that very person. May you have patience and the ability to celebrate even the smallest of successes. Crystal and I wish you all the best in your continued journey.

Okay, I am really going to try to write more. Why? For some reason I have this vision of writing a book. I don't yet know what about, but this blog is here to help me.