Sunday, November 18, 2018: Day 3

Mornings are tough... I'm pretty sure I mentioned that before. This morning is no exception. Except I'm choosing to write instead of ruminate. That being said, even the last few sentences were hard to compose. I'm trying to put thoughts into words. Usually easier. Today, not so much.

Do you ever get the sense that you're haunted by your past? I do. The thing is, to an outside observer, my past is pretty good. It's the present that struggles to live up to the past. In my past I did some pretty cool things. But I often question if it wasn't all for nothing and did more harm than good? My psychiatrist always pushed me to be specific and actually say what I mean instead of circling around the topic... So, here it goes. 

As a teenager I was in cadets and was also heavily involved in music performance; the two often intersected. In cadets I was a bit of a star; literally centre stage in some of the largest concert halls in the country. The same held true for my other music pursuits. But it was the cadet program that really did a number on me and, in retrospect, fucked me right up. It falsely inflated my ego to ridiculous levels, indoctrinated (brain washed) me that a top-down management style (i.e. chain of command) was the only way to work in a team and gave me a very singular view of the world. Cadets played a more important role in my life than anything, especially school. Oh, I got through high school and even got good enough grades to get into university. But, and I didn't know it at the time, I was pretty setup for struggle and failure that would take near a decade to recover from -- and I might even argue I'm still effected by that upbringing today. 

During the university application process I was heavily influenced by my parents and the cadet system. So much so that I only applied to their alma mater: at the time a second, or even a third tier university music program in Winnipeg studying music and education. Unsurprisingly, I was accepted. Unfortunately, this was my first big life mistake. From the time I auditioned in spring to starting in fall, the studio teacher I auditioned for packed up and left town. (Keep in mind, studio teachers are one of the main reasons a music student would choose a school.) I was left with a hack of a musician, chain smoker and total ass hat... His name is Rob. Rob was abusive and I put up with him for most of my four year program... Until I finally fired him, only to be replaced by another hack to finish off my program. In those years I went from hero to zero. I graduated university a worse musician than I had started. I also earned an education degree which at least made me somewhat employable. (More on that later.) I was so done with the program I didn't even show up to walk-the-stage. My degrees were mailed to me back in Calgary.  

So, did these long term events do more harm than good? The fact that I'm writing about them sure seems to point in that direction. My struggle is to let go. For decades I've wanted to let go. Now at 40, I hope that I can finally learn the tools to let go and not breakdown in the morning thinking about this (and other things that I might share later). Do I write Rob and let him know what he did? I'm thinking about it... That is if he's even still alive. I have no idea? He was, after all, a pretty heavy smoker. All in my head, or not, what was seemingly a positive upbringing is now one of my demons. I want to let go and hope I can do so. I guess I'll keep you updated.

It took me just over an hour to finish this post. I didn't freakout or go into a tailspin. So, at least for today, mission accomplished! Small win. Quietly celebrating. Feels nice.

Thanks for reading.

Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)