Friday, November 16, 2018: Day 1

Wow! I can't believe I'm actually doing this! I'm committing to a blog... This is super scary for me because of recent events. Let me share a bit about that: On Friday, September 14, 2018 I unknowingly changed my life. It was really the intersection of my life, career and wellbeing crashing and exploding into pieces. In a desperate attempt to stop the very physical and psychological pain I attempted to take my own life. I'm not ready to get into the details about that day and the specific events that lead up to it, but my attempt set off a series of events that had me in hospital; a week in a locked ward and eight weeks in an outpatient program. It was the worst few months of my life.

Well, it all ended yesterday. Funny enough, with no fanfare or even sentiment, it just ended. "Good luck, Adam!" I don't yet want to reflect on my time in the hospital, but there were a few things I learned: Mental illness is brutally real and it's no fucking joke! It hurts all over and I really could not function. And, mark my words, going through the actions of functioning is not actually functioning.

But, I also learned a lot about myself and where I was at. As it turns out, I completely lack a sense of self compassion. I am brutally hard on myself! This is my struggle and the basis of my suffering. Although seemingly hopeless, there is actually hope! I have become a true believer, and practicer of mindfulness meditation and I will be exploring more about dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), with professional help, in the days and weeks to come. So, this brings me to "Day 1".

Today is Day 1. It's a new day. I have things to do (including a new job). I am working hard to accept the love and kindness of my family and friends. There will be good days. There will be challenging days. But writing about this and sharing about my illness is all part of getting back to happiness... or at least contentment.

The stigma of mental illness is still very real for me. In writing about this I still feel the embarrassment of being weak... Oh, wait... See what I did there? No self compassion. I'm not going to delete that statement. It's there to remind me to be kind to myself, focus on the here and now, and be kind to myself. 

Thanks for reading.

Are you experiencing a mental health crisis? 

• Go to the nearest hospital, or
• Call 911, or
• Call a crisis line (Canada)